These 8 innocent email clichés arent so innocent after all

These 8 innocent emaille clichs arent so innocent after allThese 8 innocent email clichs arent so innocent after allHeres what I really mean when Im using this seemingly innocent email clich.Hope all is well.This empty salutation masks the fact that Im about to deliver some extremely dire news that will likely derail your entire week. We arent going to make payroll this month, so I guess what I meant to say is, I hope all WILL be well one day, after you put out these fires that will now be caused by what Im about to say.Confirming receipt.Yeah, so Im not gonna respond anytime soon but writing this phrase helps cover my ass later. Instead of immediately responding, its more likely Ill be staring blankly at the coffee machine for as long as I can without raising suspicion. Youll follow up on Wednesday with whatever mundanity from before, I will confirm receipt, and well to abflug this cycle all over again.Sorry for the radio silence.Ok Ill acknowledge your whiny-ass email, but mark my words, if you follow up one more time, I will come to your office and set fire to your keyboard. Do you realize how many bullshit emails I receive on a daily basis? DO YOU? I get it, youre just dying to get your paws on that performance report, so heres a spoiler I MADE IT ALL UP.Per the attached.WOW, what a critical error youve just made. Trying to backtrack on something said earlier in this thread, I see. Best believe Im about to bring the hammer down in the most passive aggressive way possible. Aint nobody gonna make ME look like Im in the wrong, so rather than calmly addressing the discrepancies within our correspondences, Im going to include the entire email *from its inception*. Sure, youve been on the thread the the entire time but Im gonna use a fancy-ass phrase to emphasize your inferiority, so take it all in and come correct.Adding insert name of boss here for visibility.Oh, VERY interesting. Coming at me with some, Id appreciate more attention to detail on this project no nsense. Sit back and watch as I expose you to the real decision makers. Im talkin TOP of the food chain, corner office, has-a-financial-advisor-to-manage-all-their-money types. If youre really quiet, you can hear the pitter-patter of aggravated fingers on an iPhone keyboard now that youre idiocy has forced them to work below their paygrade.Moving insert your name here to BCC.Now that youve been publicly dragged through the mud, Im banishing you to the email black hole. Before I do, savor that one last bump of coveted dialogue with higher-ups. Ill express to the chain that Im just trying to save you room in your inbox (How selfless, theyll think). Meanwhile, youre stuck on the other side of the screen, desperate to know what transpires, but those privileges are long gone, Im afraid. The sooner youre gone, the sooner I can take all the credit for saving the day while mercilessly slandering you behind your back.Sorry for the delay, this got stuck in my outbox.Ha, yeah, I could have res ponded last night, but instead I opted to cut out early for a happy hour. Casual drinks with colleagues devolved into me guzzling half-priced margs on an empty stomach for 4-hours. I vaguely remember ranting about Christina in the marketing department as the bouncers carried me out. Next thing I knew, the alarm was going off, I was fully-clothed, and my hand was still in a bag of chips. Now its 9am, Im wearing sunglasses at my desk and it hurts to breathe. So yeah, you could say my outbox was acting up.Happy FridayI am a mere shell of a human with little to nothing left to offer. Im praying that the use of cheery exclamation point will convince you that I havent wasted years of my life on this hamster wheel to hell. I write to you with gritted teeth, as I count the minutes until Im wearing pants with an elastic waist and the pizza delivery guy is en route to my apartment. I wont be interacting with any soul while watching Shark Tank reruns in the dark for the next 48 hours. Have a g reat weekendThis article was originally published on TheCooperReview.com.